Because of you I am whole. And although this world is so imperfect, I have grown more tolerant of its imperfections. Even though my daily walk through life bears witness to so much inequity I no longer yearn to understand justice. I have learned to take pain the way I accept the inevitable surrender of my body to old age.
Let me take all of that bravely in this lifetime. I sincerely believe that I can take them all. Without you however, the colors maybe the same but the luster of my eyes will not be. Blue will not be as brilliant as the sky nor red as crimson as ruby. Gold will not shine as fiery as the sunset nor black as fathomless as a starless night.
I probably lived several or even dozens of lifetimes; but this lifetime matters to me. It matters to me dearly. It is as important as the question of crossing the boundaries of heaven and hell. For in my heart I know this lifetime is the only one I can spend with you.
Do I fear? I sense fear of course. I fear not so much in dying but in crossing death without the certainty that you will be with me in my next life. You cannot make a promise. I cannot leave you guarantees. I know only the borders of life and death, but not so much what’s beyond them.
You’re with me. It’s all that matters to me. We will grow old together.
This is a truth I love to accept. I can lay shriveled in my old age. Even in my infirmity you will still see in my eyes the light that burns in my spirit.
In my eyes you will see the treasure I keep that will never change in me. You will see the love I alone can give you. A love to surround and color your life for as long as you need it. I will love you with the last ounce of energy I can give. I am not so sure about forever anymore. I am too pragmatic for that. But I know with certainty that I have until the last moment of this lifetime to offer you. My burning love that shines for you only… Because of you I have loved… Because of you I have lived… Because of you only.
For the love to last this lifetime…
Wednesday, June 07, 2006
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
The Things That Matter To Me
A lot of people who know me say I’m cold and uncaring. Some who are even close to me say I’m a bit of a machine with a program. When I was growing up looking at the world beyond the walls of our home, I thought, hell, I dream of adventures that’s worth pages in some storybook. I thought those adventure might take years and the story book, a couple of years more. And I did have them of course, minus the storybook. Some of the adventures were quite exciting and some downright dangerous.
Those times I pity my friends who just went out of the world and married. I said, “Look at them with those little ones tagging along, crying and brawling!” Why do they even bother? I always thought that there were better things to do in the world. Like saving it from itself for example. I got longer list of better things to do: Shoot the politicians, hang the clergy, burn city hall and bomb capitol.
The world was a little playground for me. But then came you. I thought I had an angle of you somewhere. I thought I must have some vision of you some time in the past. It was not very clear to me at first. You came slowly in my life. First, it was just this perpetual urge to help you or somebody in general. I thought I had that well in perspective. I helped you get your wish list of the future in order. It never really occurred to me if I was going to be in the wish list among other little things.
Next was little time spent here and there. Funny how the little “here and there” could fill up a whole year. I’m not even talking about that year or this year. I’m talking of the years and years after that. It seems to remind me of those little chocolate goodies I buy. Little nibble here… Okay, Okay, so it’s boxes. I’m just using the “nibble” thing for effect! So its boxes and boxes of chocolates. I eat a box here and there suddenly you always have this craving for chocolates. It could be birthday, a compliment or an anniversary and that box of chocolates is there. If there was no occasion, I celebrate the occasion that the box of chocolate is there. Just like you!
You are always there. You were there! you are here! You are always there! I realize that whatever happens, you will always end up with me. I like that little stubbornness in you. Then we got married. Now see that! Getting married came very slowly and naturally for me. I was even wide awake when we did that. We ate in this little eating place they call Los Companeros or something. It was a memorable day for me, except that I had to go to work an hour after.
I saw that you were very happy. I always remember how your eyes glowed that day. I did not have much then. I can still remember worrying about how to stretch that five hundred-peso bill in my pocket to pay for the food we ate. You were very happy. That is the one thing I always remember on our wedding day.
Remember that we were walking around Colon Street, a Sunday before the wedding, looking for a pair of wedding rings. It was not suppose to be memorable except we only had a budget of twenty pesos. Any jeweler is going to vouch for us that such a feat is monumental. We were destined for monumental things. I can still see that ring swimming in a pond of water on that vendor’s basin with that calamansi floating around all those rings.
I see streaming pictures of happiness, when we’re together. You’re happy when you buy those little clothes for our babies. You’re beaming when we go to the beach. Even when we’re only strolling around the malls, you smile. You’re so happy being around us.
And see the world differently now, in spite of my worn out glasses. I have seen our years together. How you fought to keep us together. At times I see the tears in your eyes when you tell me all over again what we have to go through to be together. It still hurts me even today to remember why we should even have to go through all those days.
I never wanted to have children. When I saw Kristian and then Adrian, my chaotic perspective of life change to a different swirl of wonderful colors. They are so beautiful! Every moment of my day I see both of them swirling in my head like cherubins. Marrying was not my greatest plan in life but now I have you. I do not ask too much for myself now. Before, I wanted to change a lot of the things around me. It is not that I no longer want to now, it’s just not the greatest thing in my agenda.
You, Kristian and Adrian make me feel part of wonderful things to come. I want to cherish these things that keep us together. I want to lock all those happy moments in my head for as long as I can feel them.
I Love You! The small and simple things that make you happy make me overwhelmingly happy. The things that make you happy reflect who you are and what I can be when I’m around you. These things bind us. These things make us all grow completely. All these memories burns in my spirit. Now all these things matter to me.
Happy Valentine’s Day Marilyn!
Those times I pity my friends who just went out of the world and married. I said, “Look at them with those little ones tagging along, crying and brawling!” Why do they even bother? I always thought that there were better things to do in the world. Like saving it from itself for example. I got longer list of better things to do: Shoot the politicians, hang the clergy, burn city hall and bomb capitol.
The world was a little playground for me. But then came you. I thought I had an angle of you somewhere. I thought I must have some vision of you some time in the past. It was not very clear to me at first. You came slowly in my life. First, it was just this perpetual urge to help you or somebody in general. I thought I had that well in perspective. I helped you get your wish list of the future in order. It never really occurred to me if I was going to be in the wish list among other little things.
Next was little time spent here and there. Funny how the little “here and there” could fill up a whole year. I’m not even talking about that year or this year. I’m talking of the years and years after that. It seems to remind me of those little chocolate goodies I buy. Little nibble here… Okay, Okay, so it’s boxes. I’m just using the “nibble” thing for effect! So its boxes and boxes of chocolates. I eat a box here and there suddenly you always have this craving for chocolates. It could be birthday, a compliment or an anniversary and that box of chocolates is there. If there was no occasion, I celebrate the occasion that the box of chocolate is there. Just like you!
You are always there. You were there! you are here! You are always there! I realize that whatever happens, you will always end up with me. I like that little stubbornness in you. Then we got married. Now see that! Getting married came very slowly and naturally for me. I was even wide awake when we did that. We ate in this little eating place they call Los Companeros or something. It was a memorable day for me, except that I had to go to work an hour after.
I saw that you were very happy. I always remember how your eyes glowed that day. I did not have much then. I can still remember worrying about how to stretch that five hundred-peso bill in my pocket to pay for the food we ate. You were very happy. That is the one thing I always remember on our wedding day.
Remember that we were walking around Colon Street, a Sunday before the wedding, looking for a pair of wedding rings. It was not suppose to be memorable except we only had a budget of twenty pesos. Any jeweler is going to vouch for us that such a feat is monumental. We were destined for monumental things. I can still see that ring swimming in a pond of water on that vendor’s basin with that calamansi floating around all those rings.
I see streaming pictures of happiness, when we’re together. You’re happy when you buy those little clothes for our babies. You’re beaming when we go to the beach. Even when we’re only strolling around the malls, you smile. You’re so happy being around us.
And see the world differently now, in spite of my worn out glasses. I have seen our years together. How you fought to keep us together. At times I see the tears in your eyes when you tell me all over again what we have to go through to be together. It still hurts me even today to remember why we should even have to go through all those days.
I never wanted to have children. When I saw Kristian and then Adrian, my chaotic perspective of life change to a different swirl of wonderful colors. They are so beautiful! Every moment of my day I see both of them swirling in my head like cherubins. Marrying was not my greatest plan in life but now I have you. I do not ask too much for myself now. Before, I wanted to change a lot of the things around me. It is not that I no longer want to now, it’s just not the greatest thing in my agenda.
You, Kristian and Adrian make me feel part of wonderful things to come. I want to cherish these things that keep us together. I want to lock all those happy moments in my head for as long as I can feel them.
I Love You! The small and simple things that make you happy make me overwhelmingly happy. The things that make you happy reflect who you are and what I can be when I’m around you. These things bind us. These things make us all grow completely. All these memories burns in my spirit. Now all these things matter to me.
Happy Valentine’s Day Marilyn!
Saturday, June 03, 2006
Letters to Marilyn
This blog is dedicated to you my wife Marilyn.
In this blog will be all the letters I have written to you and all the letters I will ever write to you in my lifetime.
Every word that will be in every blog is and will be the words of love to the only woman that will ever be a wife, a friend, and the other half of who I am.
I Love You Marilyn.
In this blog will be all the letters I have written to you and all the letters I will ever write to you in my lifetime.
Every word that will be in every blog is and will be the words of love to the only woman that will ever be a wife, a friend, and the other half of who I am.
I Love You Marilyn.
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